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The Herbfarm
The Herbfarm
Photo: S. Pratt

10 Splurge Restaurants and Their One-Star Yelp Reviews

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The Herbfarm
| Photo: S. Pratt

Whale Week is a bit of a curveball for Seattle, since this is not a city that celebrates overt wealth or money-driven displays of douchebaggery. Even though we have more millionaires per capita than any other city in America, our filthy rich keep their antics where they belong: on the DL. In fact, they usually try their best to blend in with the regular plebs of society. Should they crave a baller-type meal, they'll have their private chef whip something up to avoid drawing attention to themselves in public (everyone knowns making eye-contact inevitably invites requests on private yachts). Because the bejeweled Emerald City sneers at spendthrifts, this is a list that puts the onus on complainers. Instead of mapping out pretentious dinners, here's a list of 10 places to blow your wad and their pretentious one-star Yelp reviewing diners.

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Note: Restaurants on this map are listed geographically.

1. Canlis

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2576 Aurora Ave N
Seattle, WA 98109
(206) 283-3313
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"When I arrived, I was disappointed to learn it's valet parking only. WTF! So now I've got to securitize my car; as you guys know, I'm thinking to myself now I've got to hide the change and sunglasses, lock the glove compartment, expect the seat to be adjusted, and hope and pray they don't open a door on my car, back into another car or scuff it up. Rather than take that chance, I drove back to the city."

2. The Capital Grille

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1301 4th Ave
Seattle, WA 98101
(206) 382-0900
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"This place is like contraception in restaurant form to me. I don't know about you but the last thing I want to do when my tummy is full of wine, a sizable hunk of cow and a stick of butter is copulate."

3. Crush

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2319 E Madison St
Seattle, WA 98112
(206) 302-7874
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"Upon arrival I was a bit confused because the restaurant is located in a house... in the middle of a neighborhood. I'm already beginning to have doubts."

"I found it very odd that the woman pouring the wine was standing in clear view of the tables tasting all the wines as she poured them to make sure they were still good."

4. The Herbfarm

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14590 NE 145th St
Woodinville, WA 98072
(425) 485-5300
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"We were encouraged to sit at the European style table...I'm sure we could have met some interesting people or whatever...but again, I was there for dinner, not to make new friends."

5. John Howie Steak

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11111 NE 8th St
Bellevue, WA 98004
(425) 440-0880
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"The only thing that I actually ENJOY eating is their Deviled Eggs with truffled bacon, which is quite sad...because I can easily make that at home...and I can make it better. But I guess it's nice not having to wait in the kitchen to boil my own eggs."

6. Madison Park Conservatory

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1927 43rd E
Seattle, WA 98112
(206) 324-9701
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"On the way out we met one of the owners....we told her that we used Yelp to get the address and directions and she said SHE HATED YELP!"

7. Metropolitan Grill

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820 2nd Ave.
Seattle, WA 98104
(206) 624-3287
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"If I'm going to be laying down over $300 for a dinner with the Mrs. & I, I prefer a more serene environment so I can digest my food in peace."

"I must always have wine at hand with food. There's nothing more I hate than to run out of wine, and them spend time while my food gets cold flagging down a server to get me a refill."

8. RN74

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1433 4th Ave
Seattle, WA 98101
(206) 456-7474
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"As i walked up to the bar to meet my asians/amies, the corner of my eye caught the sparkle of glitter eye makeup on the bartender...WHAT??? don't get me wrong, glitter has its place in the world alongside unicorns and strip joints, but not at a reputable place of business."

9. Rover's Restaurant

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2808 E Madison St
Seattle, WA 98112
(206) 325-7442
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"My wife's Pain Perdu, Pumpkin, Mascarpone was too pumpkin-y to me (anything would be) but she enjoyed it."

"It wasn't a great night for me. I had to hit the white throne at least 4 times while I was there. This was not the fault of the restaurant but it did taint my experience."

10. Wild Ginger

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1401 3rd Ave
Seattle, WA 98101
(206) 623-4450
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"The full serving of duck seemed to be missing a large portion of the duck. What did they do with the rest of the meat? I know adult ducks aren't that small. It did give me some pleasure knowing that my table probably ate a baby duckling that night."

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1. Canlis

2576 Aurora Ave N, Seattle, WA 98109

"When I arrived, I was disappointed to learn it's valet parking only. WTF! So now I've got to securitize my car; as you guys know, I'm thinking to myself now I've got to hide the change and sunglasses, lock the glove compartment, expect the seat to be adjusted, and hope and pray they don't open a door on my car, back into another car or scuff it up. Rather than take that chance, I drove back to the city."

2576 Aurora Ave N
Seattle, WA 98109

2. The Capital Grille

1301 4th Ave, Seattle, WA 98101

"This place is like contraception in restaurant form to me. I don't know about you but the last thing I want to do when my tummy is full of wine, a sizable hunk of cow and a stick of butter is copulate."

1301 4th Ave
Seattle, WA 98101

3. Crush

2319 E Madison St, Seattle, WA 98112

"Upon arrival I was a bit confused because the restaurant is located in a house... in the middle of a neighborhood. I'm already beginning to have doubts."

"I found it very odd that the woman pouring the wine was standing in clear view of the tables tasting all the wines as she poured them to make sure they were still good."

2319 E Madison St
Seattle, WA 98112

4. The Herbfarm

14590 NE 145th St, Woodinville, WA 98072

"We were encouraged to sit at the European style table...I'm sure we could have met some interesting people or whatever...but again, I was there for dinner, not to make new friends."

14590 NE 145th St
Woodinville, WA 98072

5. John Howie Steak

11111 NE 8th St, Bellevue, WA 98004

"The only thing that I actually ENJOY eating is their Deviled Eggs with truffled bacon, which is quite sad...because I can easily make that at home...and I can make it better. But I guess it's nice not having to wait in the kitchen to boil my own eggs."

11111 NE 8th St
Bellevue, WA 98004

6. Madison Park Conservatory

1927 43rd E, Seattle, WA 98112

"On the way out we met one of the owners....we told her that we used Yelp to get the address and directions and she said SHE HATED YELP!"

1927 43rd E
Seattle, WA 98112

7. Metropolitan Grill

820 2nd Ave., Seattle, WA 98104

"If I'm going to be laying down over $300 for a dinner with the Mrs. & I, I prefer a more serene environment so I can digest my food in peace."

"I must always have wine at hand with food. There's nothing more I hate than to run out of wine, and them spend time while my food gets cold flagging down a server to get me a refill."

820 2nd Ave.
Seattle, WA 98104

8. RN74

1433 4th Ave, Seattle, WA 98101

"As i walked up to the bar to meet my asians/amies, the corner of my eye caught the sparkle of glitter eye makeup on the bartender...WHAT??? don't get me wrong, glitter has its place in the world alongside unicorns and strip joints, but not at a reputable place of business."

1433 4th Ave
Seattle, WA 98101

9. Rover's Restaurant

2808 E Madison St, Seattle, WA 98112

"My wife's Pain Perdu, Pumpkin, Mascarpone was too pumpkin-y to me (anything would be) but she enjoyed it."

"It wasn't a great night for me. I had to hit the white throne at least 4 times while I was there. This was not the fault of the restaurant but it did taint my experience."

2808 E Madison St
Seattle, WA 98112

10. Wild Ginger

1401 3rd Ave, Seattle, WA 98101

"The full serving of duck seemed to be missing a large portion of the duck. What did they do with the rest of the meat? I know adult ducks aren't that small. It did give me some pleasure knowing that my table probably ate a baby duckling that night."

1401 3rd Ave
Seattle, WA 98101

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